3 – A Dark, Dark… Dark Road

This week’s challenge was to rewrite one important moment of your life and theorize where you might be today based on the change you make. I’ll be upfront here. I do not think I did this blog challenge right. I went fictional… really fictional……… too fictional.

Okay, so the paragraph after this one is going to be boring. But after that next paragraph, prepare for a reading extravaganza that you never thought could be produced from this humble blog challenge.

When I dropped out of University a few years ago, I had lost every morsel of enthusiasm about school. I took a year off after realizing that I didn’t want a stuffy lab job, despite the money. It didn’t take long to figure out that I was unhappy because science wasn’t entertaining enough for me. I like people, not test tubes and erlenmeyer flasks. I’m sure Erlenmeyer was a nice guy, but his flasks just weren’t for me. I learnt about CreComm and then applied to U of W to finish the pre-requisites. I’m a lot happier now that I’ve found something I enjoy, but now I have to decide what my life would be like if I never went back to school.

For the sake of creativity (the entire reason I chose CreComm), here it goes. This is the most ridiculous, over the top, horrible version of my life that I can imagine. Me as a dropout stripper.

Here’s the setting. Florida. Dusty Al’s Burlesque Palace and Pizza Bar. It’s kind of like The Good Will and Little Pizza Heaven in Winnipeg, except with Strippers.

It’s dark. I can’t see how many people are in the crowd, but I can hear a lot of shuffling as people move up to the stage (I’m pretty sure it’s called a stage at the strip club. I didn’t want to Google it, so I’m just going with stage). I can hear myself breathe as I suck in my gut. It’s show time Chris. I tell myself that before every show. It doesn’t make me feel any better, but I saw a guy in a movie do it once. He was actually a football player, but I think the premise holds up. As I shake my hair to mess it up a little, some gets stuck in my mouth. I hate this wig. I’ve been wearing it to pass off as a woman for the last 6 months. It’s blond and clashes with my chest hair. How nobody has noticed that I’m a man is still beyond me.

I hear my song start. “Maneater” by Nelly Furtado. I’ve danced to other songs, but is one is the crowd favourite. If it’s a full house, I’ll make a killing. I’ve been saving up for the SunFire 32 Deluxe. If you know anything about in-home tanning beds, then you know it’s the SunFire 32 Deluxe or nothing. You can’t get low without that California glow. Write that down. Those are words to live by.

Oh, did I mention I also have 9 kids in this scenario. I named them Gino, Amanda, Chris Jr., Jessie, Ralph, Nikki, Lil Debbie, other Amanda, and Turk (named after Turk from the animated Tarzan movie). Yep, things were pretty fast and loose once I left university.

Since dropping out, I’ve really come to realize my true potential. When I was on the bus last month, a nice old man gave me some really great life advice. They told me that it’s not about trying to become a different person, but rather to become the person you were meant to be. It was a super deep quote. All jokes aside, I think he really wanted me to be the best stripper I could be.

It’s not a perfect life, but it’s pretty close. I’ve finished a lot of my bucket list. I watched all 8 seasons of Real Housewives of Atlanta and bought a toothbrush that plays “Gangnam Style.” It wasn’t like it had to play that song specifically. I just really wanted a toothbrush that would spice up my morning routine.

Okay, that’s about enough reminiscing. It’s time to dance.





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